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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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After that, I’m feeling pumped. I stroll down to the beach. The waves are crashing, and I’m thinking, “This is the life.” But then, outta nowhere, a seagull swoops down and snatches my sandwich! I’m standing there, mouth agape, like, “Did that just happen?” I swear, that bird had a plan.

Katerini welcomed the Relics of St. Dionysius of Olympus